Week 10 Picks

Sherman Tanks vs. The Hellhounds
You're kidding, right? The Hellhounds haven't been within single digits of a win since week 3. They aren't the Tampa Bay Bucs of the TRU Fantasy Football League. They're worse. They got nothing. Prediction: Phil should shave his head in shame. Plus, it would be funny.

I'm not sure who the worst team in the NFL is anymore. It should be Tampa, but they won so we won't have a winless team this year. I think pound for pound, it's Washington. They've got two wins, but they were by 2 to St. Louis and 3 to Tampa. Both were at home. They've also lost to Detroit and Kansas City. That gives them my vote. But by the end of the year, it could be Oakland.

No Talent Ass Clowns vs. Waived & Confused
The real Toilet Bowl as the Jo(h)ns duke it out. Johns? Toilet Bowl? Get it? But with only one game separating them, it's a big game. Both teams are coming off a loss but Waived is coming off three straight. And Waived could be in trouble relying on a bunch of Bengals and Jay Cutler while the Clowns have Brett Favre facing the Lions. Prediction: Jon thinks he can win with a bunch of Bengals facing the Steelers? Is he insane?

Speaking of the Bengals, it was a funny idea for Chad Johnson to try to bribe the refs. However, the $20K fine was well deserved. I think the NFL does try too hard to stifle fun, but after that NBA ref went to jail for trying to fix games, the NFL needs to crack down on any insinuation that their refs could be on the take. Too many paranoid people out there already think they are. You don't want to feed that.

Dark Lords vs. Meat Curtains
Meat is 8-1 with some of the luckiest matchups. Five wins by fewer than 10 points. However, their last (and only) loss was to the Dark Lords. Will it happen again? Maybe. Maybe not. The Dark Lords had a midseason surge to get above .500 but have lost two straight. Even worse are some of the matchups that definitely favor Meat. Ray Rice versus Cleveland. Ronnie Brown versus Tampa. While the Dark Lords have Aaron Rodgers (and his shitty offensive line) facing Dallas. Prediction: Have to take the Meat Curtains matchups.

I watched a lot of college teams running the "Wildcat" formation yesterday, and it seemed like most were failing. UK actually runs it better than most, but the reason for that is they put Randall Cobb back there. Obviously, you should run it better when you put your best quarterback in that position. If this formation is so good, why is that the NFL team that runs it the best is Miami and they're 3-5?

Spooner St. Sporks vs. Lonmunu
The Sporks finally get back in the win column. Can they do it for a second week? In a word, yes. Lonmunu certainly has some advantages especially Adrian Peterson facing Detroit. However, they've also got DeAngelo Williams and Roddy White both questionable which may limit what they can do even if they play. Oh, and the Sporks have Drew Brees and Pierre Thomas going against St. Louis. Prediction: Take the Sporks.

I saw someone claiming that Minnesota was still better than New Orleans. Not sure why. Minnesota got beat by Pittsburgh and should have lost to San Francisco and Baltimore. Minnesota is better than they were last year, but not a ton. A lot is at the margins. They went 10-6 last year with Tavaris Jackson who is atrocious. They still have that good defense, good O-line and Adrian Peterson. Now they're winning some of those games they let go at the end. But Pittsburgh showed that if you do a good job containing Adrian Peterson, Minnesota won't win passing 50 plus times a game.

Los Bastardos vs. They Might Be Daves
I just have a feeling Daves running game will be good this week. Just a gut feeling. Prediction: They Might Be Daves.

That NFL Network game was a bore. Which I'm glad to see. I get tired of the NFL putting top games on their network while trying to overcharge for it and then whining to Congress to try to make cable companies put it on basic. Yet, not mentioning their shitty decision to only allow DirectTV to have the NFL full access package. So, I'm glad they got a garbage game this week.

For the year: 12-18

Week 8 PIcks and other NFL News

Fine. I'm back. At least this week.

Sherman Tanks vs. Lonmunu
Been some recent changes to Lonmunu. Maybe the biggest being that they used to be called Mooseknuckles. Now they're back to being the original team name Lonmunu. Which Ben once told me what that means but I can't remember. But it was probably less gay than Mooseknuckles. Probably. The other big change was trading Steve Slaton to get Adrian Peterson. And those extra four points per game. Not that those four points will be enough going up against the Mighty Sherman Tanks (best 4-3 team in the league). Sure, I could point to a lot of things. DeAngelo Williams being a poor complement to Peterson this week. Vincent Jackson facing the Raiders for the Tanks. But it comes down to one thing. Would you rather have Donovan McNabb or Peyton Manning? Prediction: Tanks have Manning. They'll win.

Speaking of McNabb, there was some irony last week. The controversy over Rush Limbaugh being a part of a potential ownership group brought back the whole issue from a few years back when Limbaugh said McNabb was overrated (completely accurate) because the media wants a black QB to do well (not the only reason he's overrated). The irony part? At the same time this is going on, McNabb gets a delay of game because he's trying to call a timeout that he doesn't have against the Raiders. A game they lose 13-9. So, he's not just overrated. He's rather stupid.

The Dark Lords vs. They Might Be Daves
Interesting game. The Lords are on a surge winning three while Dave has lost its last two. Should be a quarterback battle. Both teams have been led by quarterback play over the past few weeks. The reason that the Lords are winning and Dave is losing is simple. Dave has had good games by Matt Schaub and no one else. The Lords have had good games by Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger, but they've also had another player step up. A different one every week in fact. This might be different. Frank Gore could have a good game against the Colts' shoddy run defense. But Schaub is facing Buffalo which doesn't give up a lot of yards through the air. Yet, Rodgers is facing Minnesota in a grudge match and sacked the shit out of him a few weeks ago. Prediction: I just can't see where that second player comes from for the Lords, but I think they get a better game from Rodgers than Schaub and someone gets that game. So, take the Dark Lords.

Speaking of Rodgers, has anyone heard that Brett Favre is making his first trip to Green Bay as a visitor? I can't believe how many people are acting like his behavior is no big deal. Well, it is. He hasn't just changed teams. He's burned bridges. I don't give two shits what he's said publicly. Favre jerked the Packers around hoping they'd cut him and let him sign with Minnesota. He didn't want to just leave. He wanted to go to the Vikings (good defense, good O-line, Adrian Peterson). That's the only place he really wanted to go. It's one thing for a superstar to change teams, but it's quite another to want to leave and be the missing piece for a conference rival. Emmitt Smith didn't go to the Redskins. And then to say things like how this Minnesota team is the best you've played on? Compared to your Super Bowl winning team? Retired NFL players can make a lucrative post-career living if they were stars, but usually only where they starred. When I went to Pittsburgh, you saw so much of Franco Harris that you assumed he was still playing. Unless he wins a Super Bowl, do you think Favre will be remembered as a "Vikings icon"? No, he won't. For all the hype, the Vikings are struggling to sell tickets for a team led by a man they hated for years. But by burning bridges with Packers' fans, he's probably ruined his chances for a postseason career there.

Los Bastardos vs. Spooner St. Sporks
The Sporks have certainly struggled of late. Like the last five weeks. After a 2-0 start, they haven't won since. But while they had a bad few weeks in the middle, they've actually scored well. Problem is that so have Los Bastardos. It's Drew Brees against Philip Rivers. Which could just be a sideshow. Rivers actually has more yards per game, but Brees counters with touchdowns. I think Rivers against Oakland is a better matchup but I still don't see much separation between the two which means the other players are key. The Bastards have Steven Jackson against Detroit. And Marques Colston negates some Brees advantage. The Sporks counter with Marion Barber against Seattle. And seven of nine players on either New Orleans or Dallas. With Dallas facing Seattle, that's not bad. New Orleans and Atlanta? Not as good. And having two New Orleans running backs could be a big problem. Prediction: Bastards keep the Sporks on a losing streak.

The Saints are one of the three undefeated teams so far this year. I'm not surprised since I picked them to make the Super Bowl at the FF draft. The Colts are also undefeated which isn't surprising since they do that a lot before choking in the playoffs. Then there is Denver. Did not see that coming at all.

Meat Curtains vs. Waived & Confused
Meat is certainly the surprise of the league with a 6-1 record. Having big games by Tom Brady and Andre Johnson isn't that surprising, but having them by Ray Rice and DeSean Jackson is a little bit more. But this week, they don't have Brady. Not sure Johnson, Rice and Jackson will will have very good weeks. And Waived has Matt Ryan in a potential shootout with New Orleans. But Waived has little else. Prediction: Meat keeps winning.

Ugh. Brad Childress decided to dress as a flight attendant to make his Vikings feel better after losing to the Steelers. Of course, that brings up the question of why a guy in drag makes the Vikings feel better, but I'll let that pass. I'll just say that Childress is a very homely man. He makes an even uglier woman.

No Talent Ass Clowns vs. The Hellhounds
The Hounds are still looking for that first win. Trading away top draft pick Adrian Peterson was a big move. Might work out this week since the Hounds got Steve Slaton in return and he's facing a very poor Buffalo run defense. Plus, he also got Kurt Warner who is going against Carolina and two players facing the Rams. Of course, those two players are with the Lions. Still, the Clowns do have something on their side. Tony Romo facing the Seahawks and Maurice Jones-Drew versus the shit Titans. But they also have a gimpy Reggie Wayne and don't have Brian Westbrook. Prediction: Hounds finally win.

The Titans are starting Vince Young this week because the owner wants them to. I'm a little surprised Jeff Fisher is doing it because he's winless and Young quit on the team once. I think Collins gives them the best chance to win. And while Fisher's resume is good enough to get another job as it stands. I don't think it's good enough if he goes winless. And they are in bad shape right now. The Titans have lost their last three games 127-26. Still, with Buffalo, St. Louis and Seattle left on the schedule, that's three games that wouldn't be huge upsets so I think with either quarterback, the Titans will win at least one game.

Week 5 Predictions

Okay, didn't have time for last weeks predictions. I'm sure I would have picked all of them correctly, but that's in the past. Here are this week's predictions. I was going to do haiku, but that would be silly. It'll be quick shots.

Sherman Tanks vs. Waived & Confused
The Tanks are 3-1, but we all know they should be 4-0. Waived & Confused is 2-2, but we all know they should be 0-4. Can't really find a reason why Waived thinks they can beat the Tanks. After all, Peyton Manning is playing great, and it's still the regular season. Waived also has a little problem of injuries. Half the team has the comment "limited in practice, might play Sunday". Prediction: No way Waived wins this game.

Los Bastardos vs. No Talent Ass Clowns
Interesting case. The Clowns are 2-2 while the Bastards are 1-3, but the Bastards have outscored the Clowns by over 30 points. I figure Chris Johnson will do well against the Colts' shit defense, but Brian Westbrook faces and even worse Tampa defense. But I think in the end Tony Romo should have a statistically good game against KC for the Clowns. Prediction: Clowns take this one.

Dark Lords vs. Hellhounds
1-3 vs 0-4. Boring. Well, I hope Phil wins because I figure if he keeps losing, he'll stop changing his lineup in a couple of weeks. But Ben Roethlisberger is facing Detroit and he's throwing a lot. The Hounds have Carson Palmer who isn't so much. And facing Baltimore. But they do have Adrian Peterson against St. Louis which is good unless they get up early and rest him the entire second half. Prediction: I think the Dark Lords win this one.

Meat Curtains vs. Mooseknuckles
The game between perverted slang. Which is ironic because I think this game comes down to a pussy - Eli Manning. I think Meat Curtains will win if he plays against Oakland, but they'll lose if Tom Brady has to be put in against Denver. Prediction: I bet Manning sits out so Mooseknuckles win.

They Might Be Dave vs. Spooner St. Sporks
The only undefeated team versus the highest scoring team. But the Sporks have slipped in the past couple of weeks. It didn't help that Drew Brees fell off those two weeks. Now, they don't even have him. Granted, Shaun Hill would have been a better start the past two games, but he's not going to blow up for 48 points. Prediction: Marion Barber is going against KC which will be enough for a Sporks win.

Last week: 0-0
For the year: 4-6

Week 3 Predictions

After the first two weeks, I might want to reconsider this segment, but here goes.

Sherman Tanks vs. Sporks
Well, I think this is the obvious week that Drew Brees comes back to earth. Has to happen sometime. And besides, he can't do it all and the Sporks are starting two scrub running backs and some receivers who won't do much. Facing the Tanks with Peyton Manning in a potential shootout with Arizona. Michael Turner and Brandon Jacobs are against weak run defenses. Hines Ward has the Bengals who he loves to beat. Literally. I have to give the Tanks the edge at QB, running back, receiver and defense. Rob Bironas has a sore knee so the Sporks might be better at kicker. Prediction: There's no Andre Johnson here so Tanks win easily.

Mooseknuckles vs. They Might Be Daves
Sure Dave might be tied for first place, but he's the fifth highest scoring team. And only slightly above Mooseknuckles who they would have split with the first two weeks. One thing that stands out for me about Mooseknuckles is that they've got Kurt Warner and new receiver Larry Fitzgerald in that potential shootout with the Colts mentioned above. DeAngelo Williams could have a big game against Dallas, and Baltimore could have 8 sacks against Cleveland. Still, Dave has Matt Schaub against Jax and their bottom third pass defense. Clinton Portis and Matt Forte against Detroit and Seattle and their bottom third run defenses. Greg Jennings against St. Louis and Terrell Owens trying to keep up with the Saints. Frank Gore facing Minnesota is the only bad matchup. Prediction: Gotta go with Dave's matchups.

Dark Lords vs. No Talent Ass Clowns
Not sure what the Dark Lords are doing. Taking out Aaron Rodgers for Ben Roethlisberger when Rodgers is facing St. Louis. Especially since they traded for Donald Driver and put him in. And Roethlisberger is facing the defense Rodgers had trouble with last week. But Johnny Knox could do well against Seattle because Jay Cutler seems to like him. Fred Jackson is probably the X factor. He's playing well, but going against the Saints probably means few rushing attempts as the Bills may being playing New Orleans from behind, but he has done pretty good in passing game. But the Clowns have some good stuff too. Reggie Wayne against Arizona. Tony Romo may choke against Carolina, but should have good stats until then. Brian Westbrook against KC? Gold. Maurice Jones-Drew has Houston. Bet he's looking at that Chris Johnson tape from last week. Prediction: I don't think which quarterback the Dark Lords use matters. The Clowns will win.

Hellhounds vs. Waived & Confused
The Matt Hasselbeck experiment didn't last long. One broken rib changed that tune for the Hellhounds. So, now they get Carson Palmer facing the Steelers. Hmmmm. Good thing Adrian Peterson is a great running back because the 49'ers actually are pretty good against the run (but that was against Seattle and Arizona). Kevin Smith could do something against the Skins. I think Steve Smith has a big game. With Smith and Calvin Johnson, the Hounds match up well with Waived's receivers because I only see Randy Moss doing much. At running back, Ryan Grant might do something. Matt Ryan? Meh. Not sure. Prediction: I think the Hounds take this one.

Meat Curtains vs. Los Bastardos
I can't see Los Bastardos getting 47 points out of Chris Johnson this week. Of course, I can't see Meat getting a combined 54 points from Andre Johnson and DeSean Jackson. Ever again. Nor 26 from Ronnie Brown. The bigger problem is Tom Brady didn't look too good last week. I think he loses the QB battle to Philip Rivers. Ray Rice is probably going to keep losing carries to Willis McGahee so Brown may need 26 points this week. Johnson should be okay but 32 points is not likely. For Los Bastardos, Chris Johnson won't do that well against the Jets, but I think Steven Jackson does well against Green Bay. Ditto with Marques Colston against the Bills. Prediction: Kind of a tossup. I'll go with Los Bastardos.

Last week: 2-3
For the year: 4-6

Week 2 Predictions

Sherman Tanks vs. Meat Curtains

Easy call. The Tanks would have crushed Meat Curtains in week one by at least five points. And that was with some Colts pussy not playing. Well, playing and getting hurt without being touched. And the Tanks won't need him again. Sure Meat Curtains got Tom Brady, but Brady has to face the Jets who shut down Matt Schaub and Brady is no Matt Schaub. A running game with Ray Rice and Ronnie Brown? Don't make me laugh. They've got nothing on Michael Turner and Brandon Jacobs. And receivers? Andre Johnson should do real well against Titans defense. He might break 40 yards this week. DeSean Jackson? Meet your new quarterback Kevin Kolb. TJ Houshmanzadeh? How are the back spasms that kept you out of practice? Vincent Jackson goes up against Baltimore who let Kansas City move the ball on them. Kansas City? The fucking Chiefs? Are you shitting me? And Hines Ward already has one hundred yard game and is now facing a Bears defense that lost last week on a long touchdown pass with a prevent defense on the field. Prediction: Meat has no shot this week.

Dark Lords vs. Los Bastardos
Interesting game. The Bastards didn't do much of anything last week. The Lords would have crushed them. Will it happen this week? Maybe. Probably not. For one, I can't see every Bastard with the exception of Philip Rivers and Joseph Addai being so mediocre two weeks in a row. And Addai was above expectations because they were low and Rivers did okay but a bit below what he should have done. You expect guys like Chris Johnson and Marques Colston to have a big game at some point. And maybe Eddie Royal against the Browns could do it this week. And I wouldn't be that concerned about Rivers facing Baltimore's defense. Brodie Croyle threw for two touchdowns against them last week so I don't think they're as good as in the past. The Dark Lords did put up 92 points, but Devery Henderson had 20. I don't see that happening again. Receiver could be a big problem if he comes to Earth since Wes Welker may be hurt this week. And they don't seem to really have a true stud at running back. And I'm not sure what Aaron Rodgers (didn't look to good, but could be an aberration) will do against the Bengals D (did look good, but I'm sure is an aberration). Prediction: Big game from Chris Johnson gives the Bastards the win.

Mooseknuckles vs. Waived & Confused
This would have been a pretty even matchup last week. But Waived isn't getting 14 points out of Cedric Benson again. But I don't see Santonio Holmes and Fred Jackson combining for 44 points for Mooseknuckles this week. But Roddy White will probably have a big game this week for them since he's facing Carolina. Of course, that's offset by Waived having Matt Ryan at quarterback. I think running game is going to be key here. Mooseknuckles roll out DeAngelo Williams, Thomas Jones and Jackson facing weak ass Tampa. Waived has Ryan Grant, Larry Johnson and Jamal Lewis. Prediction: Waived has too many past their prime running backs. Mooseknuckles win.

Spooner St. Sporks vs. The Hellhounds
The Sporks are the highest scoring team so far. But Drew Brees won't be throwing for six touchdowns every week. Especially since they won't get to play the Lions every week. Which means Mike Bell probably isn't getting 18 points this week either. They'll certainly get some points for the Sporks, but if they combine for 55 percent of the Sporks points this week, the Sporks could be in trouble. Especially since I think the Dallas Suckboy duo of Roy Williams and Marion Barber will do worse this week against the Giants than they did against the Bucs. But can the Hounds take advantage of it? Well, Adrian Peterson should score huge against Detroit. But Calvin Johnson and Kevin Smith may struggle while facing the Vikings. Quarterback is an issue when you have to choose between Carson Palmer and what he did last week (nothing) versus Matt Hasselbeck and what he'll probably do against non-St. Louis teams (not much). But the plus is Darren McFadden faces the Chiefs. That's certainly a potential big game. Prediction: I think having Peterson and McFadden facing such lousy opponents will give the Hounds the win.

No Talent Ass Clowns vs. They Might Be Daves
The Clowns had a big week last week. Good matchups then. Might be some good ones this week. Tony Romo will come down from 34 points. Giants defense much better than the Bucs. But I think Maurice Jones-Drew and Brian Westbrook could have good games against Arizona and New Orleans this week. And Brandon Marshall gets Cleveland. Not sure if Reggie Wayne can keep it up with the huge target now on his back. Dave only had three guys on the entire roster do anything in week 1. And Joe Flacco was on the bench. Don't see San Diego letting him get 34 points this week. But Frank Gore (against Seattle) and Greg Jennings (against Bungles) could do well again. Terrell Owens could take a step up since they're facing a weak Tampa plus his bitching may cause the team to try to keep him happy. And Clinton Portis should certainly have a better week now that he's got the Rams. Prediction: I think the Clowns have the better matchups.

Last week: 2-3
For the season: 2-3

NFL News & Notes From Week One

That Bengals game at least has some suspense at the end. It was a pretty boring Sunday for games. The Browns actually led the Vikings at the half but no one really thought an upset was possible. The Browns suck. And the Vikings better hope Brett Favre is not required to win with his arm. He completed five of his 14 passes to wide receivers and that's only if you count Percy Harvin as a wide receiver. Then we get the Giants/Redskins. Boring. Washington is totally inept. And the fact that the Giants let them back into the game makes me wonder how good they are.

Speaking of Favre, does he have loyalty to anyone not named Brett Favre? His latest bullshit is saying that he was willing to sit last year because his play with the Jets was bad because of his torn bicep. Yeah, right. With his leverage, if he wanted to sit, he could sit. To begin with, I doubt very seriously that Favre would have allowed himself to be benched and ruin his "Iron Man" reputation. Secondly, he screwed the Jets by letting out that he was so injured that he almost couldn't play but never was put on the injury report. The same Jets who traded for him so he could continue his career and then allowed him to "retire" again so he could come back and play for the Vikings (which he wanted all along). And the Jets were not listing him on the injury report for the same reason that teams fudge their QBs on all injury reports. They don't want defenses to know what's hurt on the player at the most important position. And why? So people would think his age and decrepitude wasn't the reason that he played like shit to end the season. Who cares about the Jets.

Did anyone see the interception made by Green Bay's big, fat nose tackle Johnny Jolly (apt name)? He's listed at 325 lbs. That's a lie.

I think being paired with Cris Collinsworth is making Al Michaels stupid. Well, almost as stupid as Collinsworth. In the Thursday night game, Ben Roethlisberger is scrambling and tosses a side pass to Willie Parker. They're discussing that it was close to being a penalty for being an illegal forward pass but that the refs must have decided it was a lateral. For the record, he was obviously about three yards behind the line of scrimmage meaning forward, sideways or backwards, it was legal. That didn't come out until they came back from commercial.

Good news for the Chargers. Shawne Merriman won't be charged for tossing Tila Tequila on the ground to keep her leaving his house. I didn't think he'd be charged the moment it came out. Her statements were off the wall and probably full of lies (she claimed she is allergic to alcohol but was seen drinking by a lot of people). So even if the DA thought a crime was committed, he'll only take it to court if he thinks he can win, and in this case, the claimant would be a liability. I think Merriman could have done it? Sure. I think he's a pieces of shit show boater who became the player that he is through chemical enhancement. And just because she's a two-bit media whore skank doesn't mean he wouldn't toss her around. But it does mean I'd need more than he said/she said to believe her. But I don't like Merriman so he gets what he deserves in bad publicity. After all, he should have known better than date that thing.

It's pretty hard to pick one NFL player and say he's the dumbest player in league history, but Pacman Jones (he played at West Virginia which is par for the course) just might be the winner. He's getting no feelers for the NFL, but is perfectly willing to talk shit about a CFL contract. And promptly losing it.

You think Shawne Merriman has women problem (and probably an STD or two) from his now ex-girlfriend. Tony Romo apparently had a hex put on him by ex-girlfriend/ditz/chickIwannabang Jessica Simpson. Man those chicks cannot handle it when they find out their boyfriend is gay. Supposedly the spell is about love and not football (he doesn't need any help ruining a football season). It's to keep him from finding a new love, but the joke is on her. Romo met Jason Witten a long time ago.

I've always hated the fact that ESPN will pimp their TV personalities in NFL games. As anyone who knows me is aware, I hate Tony Kornheiser. I hated him being on Monday Night Football. And I'm still convinced the only reason they did that was to promote his stupid show with that other worthless Washington Post columnists on ESPN. Now, they're trying to do it with Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg from their Mike & Mike show. Those two clowns were teamed up with Steve Young to call the second Monday night game between Oakland and San Diego. I only watched the first half, but they stink. I had very low expectations and they managed to get under them. The worst was on a replay of an Oakland catch in the end zone that was originally called a touchdown but then overturned to incompletion as the referee said the receiver didn't maintain control of the ball while going to the ground. They kept saying that the touchdown would be upheld because he got two feet down. WTF? Two feet only counts when debating in bound/out of bound calls. The receiver had two feet touch the ground, but he was still going down which means he had to hang onto the ball as he hit the ground. The ball touched the ground and (most importantly) was still moving. If the ball touches the ground but doesn't move, it's a catch. If it moves, it's not. None of those three seemed to know the rules.

Certain irony about that almost catch. It was almost made by Oakland Raiders rookie receiver Louis Murphy who was a fourth round pick. The irony is Murphy had 87 yards and a touchdown while the number 7 overall pick, Darrius Heyward-Bey, dropped both passes that were thrown to him. Which is what he often did in college which is why many of us laughed at the Raiders' ineptitude in drafting a fast wide receiver (Al Davis loves speed like I love beer) who can't catch.

But in taking Heyward-Bey instead of Michael Crabtree (easily a better receiver), Davis did screw cross bay rival San Francisco who did draft Crabtree three picks later. Now, Crabtree is holding out and saying he'll re-enter the draft next year rather than take less money than Heyward-Bey. Apparently he is unaware that the mental instability of Al Davis is not a reason to go outside the draft slotting system.

Although, the Bengals did that when they lowballed Andre Smith into essentially taking less than the guy drafted behind him. Rumor was that they knew they could do it because Smith needed the money and couldn't afford to hold out too long. Of course, the joke turned out to be on the Bengals (as usual). By holding out, Smith was able to spend all his time getting even more overweight than usual. Which led to him breaking his foot. Which is leading to more time out. Which means he'll be pretty much worthless to them this year. Meaning that getting him into camp in shape would have saved them money or at least given them production for what they're paying.

I'm not going to jump all over the guy who fumbled the late kickoff for the Bills aiding the Patriots' win. At least not for running the kick out. Yeah, it would have been better to take a knee in the end zone, but his hesitation makes me think he didn't really know if he caught the ball in the end zone or stepped back into it after the catch. If you're not sure, you have to bring it out. I do fault him for fighting for an extra yard after getting hit. In that situation, just go down.

Of course, the question Buffalo fans should be asking is why the Hell didn't anyone on the defensive side of the ball adjust in the middle of the field? Let's see, they pulled within five points with an 18 yard touchdown pass to a tight end right down the middle of the field. Now they're at the 16 yard line. They won't run it again, will they? Ooops. Or more likely, oh shit.

Quick Week One Picks

Tanks over Hellhounds
Waived over Clowns
Mooseknuckles over Sporks
Bastards over Dave
Lords over Meat with indifference everywhere

Fantasy Football Draft Review

The Hellhounds

What a fucking travesty. What could possibly possess someone to throw this collection of crap together? Sure, Adrian Peterson seems like a good pick unless you look at his easily broken shoulders. I put his over/under at 9 starts. Speaking of injury waiting to happen, we get Steve Smith. Well, maybe a suspension instead. Then we get the next three picks. Two guys (Calvin Johnson and Kevin Smith) who are waiting for their first win since 2007 followed by Darren McFadden who would probably go winless except the Raiders might split with the Chiefs. Followed by Carson Palmer who plays for the Bengals and Santana Moss who is rumored to play for Washington. Why not draft some players who might actually sniff the playoffs? Well, here are a couple of players who might make the playoffs. Felix Jones (DAL) and Donald Brown (IND). If they do, they’ll have a great view from the bench. But don’t worry if Carson Palmer goes down (or sucks). The Hellhounds also have Matt Hasselbeck who should be fine if he wasn’t old, had a bad back and virtually no offensive line. Sleeper Pick: Kevin Walter occasionally catches a pass. Bonehead Pick: Michael Crabtree. Assuming he signs at some point during the season, there aren’t too many (or any) cases of a rookie receiver skipping all of training camp and preseason and suddenly becoming a fantasy stud when his quarterbacks are a guy who only had to beat out Alex Smith and Alex Smith. Prediction: Glad those Detroit players got used to losing last year.

The Sherman Tanks

What a great fucking draft. How can this team lose? Michael Turner had slightly fewer yards than Adrian Peterson, more touchdowns and better shoulders. All Brandon Jacobs does is score touchdowns and empty out buffets. Then there is Marshawn Lynch pick. The only knock against him (other than playing for the Bills) is he’s on suspension, but that’s only three games. Not a concern. And once the Jets figure out that Leon Washington averaged six yards a carry, that’ll be another productive back. And as soon as Darren McFadden gets hurt, Michael Bush will be an absolute stud. And at quarterback, we have Mr. Consistency Peyton Manning. The fantasy season will be over by the time he chokes in the playoffs. And he never misses a game so the only time his backup will be needed is the bye week when David Garrard will be facing the Rams. Easy win that week. And receiver is certainly a strength of this unit. Vincent Jackson and Anthony Gonzalez are primed for huge breakout seasons. Jackson averages something around 50 yards per reception and Gonzalez is the clear number 2 in Indy with the old fart who shoots people being gone. And then Bernard Berrian’s value received a boost when Brett Favre was signed. Not because Favre is that good anymore. He’ll just chuck it long a lot and Berrian is bound to catch a couple. And Hines Ward is the number four receiver but his stats last year weren’t much worse than Reggie Wayne’s. Sleeper Pick: Derrick Mason was a thousand yard receiver last year and is still the only competent one in Baltimore. Not bad for a 15^th round pick. Bonehead Pick: Not possible for this squad. Prediction: It’s not if they’ll win the league, it’s by how many games.

No Talent Ass Clowns

Did I miss where we changed to a point per reception league? Oh wait. I put in the scoring so no we did not change to a point per reception league. Did anyone tell John? That’s the only reason I can see to take two midgets in Maurice Jones-Drew and Brian Westbrook. Westbrook only had three 100 yard games which was still more than Jones-Drew. Neither had 1000 yards on the year. And adding receiving yardage doesn’t change much since they still had fewer combined yards than some guys just had rushing. I’m not buying the loss of Fred Taylor will suddenly propel him to the big time. Taylor didn’t do shit last year. And it’s not like Lendale White is going to help. His value was on the goal line and losing a lot of weight means he won’t have that line demolishing fatload to push him through. And Reggie Bush? There’s a lot of guys out there who can’t average four yards per carry in the NFL. That’s why they aren’t in the NFL. While the loss of Terrell Owens’ mouth means more quiet for Tony Romo, it also means no deep threat. And more pressure on Romo. How has he handled the pressure so far in his career? But don’t worry, the Clowns also have Brett Favre. By the time it’s apparent that they need to change to a new quarterback, Favre’s age will have led to his second half swoon and he’ll be mostly useless. But they did manage to grab Reggie Wayne in the third round. See above about him being only slightly better last year in fantasy scoring than Hines Ward who went in the 10^th round. Still, I’m sure he’ll be better than Dwayne Bowe who plays for the Chiefs. Or Brandon Marshall who will probably get traded. Or suspended. Or traded and then suspended. Lance Moore might be the best receiver on the team. Except he won’t. Sleeper Pick: Someone in Miami has to catch the ball. Why not Ted Ginn Jr? Bonehead Pick: Word out of Philly is that Jeremy Maclin is struggling to keep a job on special teams. Prediction: The only stat this trash pile will lead the league in is Games Missed By Injured Starters.

Spooner St. Sporks

When I look at this roster, my first thought is “vomit”. My next thought is what’s with the man-crush on Drew Brees? Is he really attractive enough to draft that high? And then backing him up with one hit wonder Matt Cassel. And his bad leg. This rushing attack won’t remind anyone of the old Nebraska offenses. Well, maybe a Nebraska pop warner league. Apparently, Amy missed Marion Barber’s splendidly mediocre season last year or she wouldn’t have drafted him so high. Or she might have anyway. No idea what she’s thinking. But I think Barber can get worse. I guess she thinks Pierre Thomas will replace Deuce McAllister for the Saints. Which part? Underwhelming or nagging injuries? Speaking of nagging injuries, I give you Willie Parker. There were reasons the Steelers had one of the worst rushing attacks. One was Willie Parker. I don’t want to say Willis McGahee is done as a fantasy running back. So, I’ll just say he sucks. Still the shitty running game has nothing on the shitty receiving corps. As long as he doesn’t curl up in a fetal position at the unfairness of life, Anquan Boldin should be semi-decent. So should Roy Williams. By that I mean he’ll have his worst year ever. Antonio Bryant had a good season last year. Makes you almost forget all the lousy seasons, the unsettled quarterback position, the loss of an offensive minded head coach in Tampa and the firing of the new offensive coordinator in the preseason. Forget that and he should be great. At least he’s not a tight end. Sleeper Pick: A lot of people expect great things from Jonathan Stewart. Bonehead Pick: Jonathan Stewart didn’t even play in the preseason and may drop to third string. Prediction: Two Saints in the top four? Still no prayer of finishing higher than 8^th.

They Might Be Dave

One year Dave may draft a decent team. Certainly isn’t this year. Matt Forte and his 3.9 ypc was certainly a great pick at number four. Until you realize he got worse as the season wore on. Unlike Frank Gore who has been getting worse as the years wear on. He’ll be running backwards soon. And while Clinton Portis might have been good last year, he’s 108 years old. And I’ve been told that he smells funny. Knowshon Moreno seems like an excellent pickup since he plays for Denver which likes to plug in a dominant back and use dirty blocking to rack up the yards. Oh wait, that was last year’s coach. This year’s is talking about running back by committee. At least Team Clusterfuck did get a good backup quarterback in Matt Schaub. Still trying to find which quarterback he took before Schaub. I know I’m missing one somewhere. Who would draft a starter who is going to miss at least five games? And back him up with Joe Flacco who was more likely to throw for fewer than 150 yards in a game than more than 200. The receiving corps is led by Greg Jennings who got his brain scrambled during preseason which probably makes him smarter than the guy who drafted him because that guy also drafted Terrell Owens and Braylon Edwards to go with Jennings. Owens thought Romo was a bad QB (and he was right). How is he going to get along with Trent Edwards? As for Braylon Edwards, I wouldn’t draft anyone in Cleveland. Or in Cincinnati so why take Laveranues Coles. Sleeper Pick: These all suck. Bonehead Pick: All of them but especially Domenik Hixon and Steve Smith of the Giants. I don’t expect Hixon to do much so taking a guy behind him too is really dumb. Prediction: This is the suckingest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Waived & Confused

I don’t care what that trophy said. I still can’t believe Jon actually won the league once. Were the rest of us (not counting Brett) disqualified or something? Making your first pick Randy Moss who is relying on a quarterback coming back from major offseason surgery? And then drafting LaDanian Tomlinson who is on a precipitous decline? Followed by Ryan Grant who is nothing special? Followed by Ochosucko at all? Hell, this dumbdick team has three Bengals on it with Chris Henry and Cedric Benson to go with him. Considering the fact that they also drafted Larry Johnson, it’s obvious that Waived & Confused is not concerned about character issues. In fact, he relishes poor character players which reinforces my belief that Jon has no soul. Oh wait. That was someone else. Nevermind. Actually, I wouldn’t have taken Larry Johnson because KC wants to change to a spread offense which doesn’t suit him. Oh, and he’s on the decline and the whole team sucks anyway. Which means drafting Johnson’s backup was just as stupid. But, he does have Jerricho (misspelled) Cotchery and Steve Breaston who both have slightly dirty sounding names which make me giggle when I’m drunk which is quite often. But I guess getting both Matt Ryan and Jay Cutler at quarterback is a plus if by plus you mean having two quarterbacks on run first/run often teams. Sleeper Pick: Still, Cutler could be the best number two quarterback in the league. Bonehead Pick: There was a lot of speculation that Jamal Lewis might get cut at the end of training camp. Why? Because he sucks. Prediction: That title will never ever come back to Waived & Confused. Why? Because they suck.

Los Bastardos

After a one year hiatus when Steven Jackson played for the Tanks, he’s back with Los Bastardos. I think I speak for everyone when I say “Good, I’m glad you took him because he’s running for a shit team and will be hurt all the time”. But Jackson wasn’t the first pick for them. Instead they took Chris Johnson who is really fast. And pretty small. And off the field when the Titans get near the goal line. Kind of like number three pick Marques Colston who had a bad thumb last year. That shouldn’t affect a receiver should it? By the way, Philip Rivers is a douchebag. I just think it needs to be said. Good to have those two running backs because after that is Joseph Addai who could easily lose his starting job (due to not being very good) and Earnest Graham who in his defense is easily the third best running back on a crappy Tampa offense. And drafting Rashard Jennings did answer the question “who is one of Maurice Jones-Drew’s never going to be used backups?” Ironically, the fourth receiver taken by Los Bastardos is the only one on the roster besides Colston who is listed as a team’s number 1 receiver. Of course that’s Devin Hester who would be an awesome receiver if he could catch a ball that wasn’t kicked first. Eddie Royal and Lee Evans are number two receivers with shitty quarterbacks Kyle Orton and Trent Edwards. Hey, Los Bastardos also drafted Kyle Orton. The stench of this team keeps getting worse and worse. Sleeper Pick: Kenneth Darby is a good pickup for when Jackson goes down. Bonehead Pick: Darby will be running behind a shitty O-line in St. Louis which is probably why Jackson got hurt. Prediction: This team will only be competitive for the first four weeks. That’s not true. I’m just being nice. This team isn’t that good.

Mooseknuckles

Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Of course, Ben has to be lucky because he sucks at drafting. Still, when you ignore DeAngelo Williams to take Steve Slaton who was behind Williams in every statistical category, you shouldn’t be lucky enough to get Williams on the trip back. It must be luck. I assume any witchcraft was used up when Ben got married. And drafting Roddy White in the third round and Kurt Warner in the fourth must be luck. Bad luck. White doesn’t catch very many touchdown passes for a third round pick and was probably named after Roddy Piper which really has nothing to do with fantasy football or Ben’s inept drafting. And I think the preseason has shown the Super Bowl loss hangover is having no affect on Arizona. Except making the offense look like crap. And is Ben unaware that it’s not 1999 and Warner and Torry Holt don’t play together anymore? Seeing Holt in the preseason, I’m not sure he’s going to be playing much this year at all. Taking him is almost as dumb as drafting Trent Edwards when you have Warner and Donovan McNabb. Hmmmmmmmmmm. This is an old fucking team. In addition to Warner, McNabb and Holt, there’s also Ricky Williams, Donald Driver and Thomas Jones. These guys were playing in the last century. Where is the young talent? I see Tim Hightower and Michael Jenkins, but that’s just young not talented. Now, Hightower was a featured back for Arizona last year. A position he was ill-suited for and did poorly. The problem with Jenkins? He plays the same position on the same team as Roddy White. Which is the Atlanta Falcons which isn’t known for its high powered passing attack. Is the plan to play them together? God, I hope it’s the week I face them. Sleeper Pick: Fred Jackson will be pretty good for three weeks when Marshawn Lynch is suspended. Bonehead Pick: Did I mention drafting Trent Edwards when you have Kurt Warner and Donovan McNabb? Do we have a practice squad? Prediction: Might be in trouble if Trent Edwards has to start. Fuck that. This team will stink no matter who starts.

Meat Curtains

I was unhappy to see Brad doing most of the picks in place of Matt this year. I like having that bye week when playing Matt. I have to assume that Brad’s picks might be slightly better. And I’m offended that Matt left to draft in a higher pay-in league. Why can’t he just put that money into our prize fund? It’s not like he’s going to get any back in either league. So how did Brad draft? Can’t tell the difference. He stole the John McClain strategy of wide receivers early and often with Andre Johnson, TJ Houshwhatever and DeSean Jackson going 1, 3, and 5. Johnson might be a good pick. Houshwhatever………..hm…….um…….er…..makes a lot of money. And he’s so good that the Bengals decided they could do without. But at least he’s smarter than DeSean “Fumble Spike” Jackson. Not saying much. So is my end table. I think it’s called an end table. It’s next the couch and has old porno mags in it. And then he added Jason Witten, Chris Chambers and Muhsin Muhammad. None of whom I have a bad thing to say about except they all suck. Just like the running backs. They don’t really suck, but when Ronnie Brown is your number one back, you’re hurting. Just like his knees. But we got some quantity here with Ray Rice, Julius Jones and LeSean McCoy going in rounds 6-8. I’m glad someone drafted Jones so I could be reminded that he’s still in the league. Maybe someone should remind Jones that he’s still in the league after the past couple of years. Better hope one of those running backs steps up because Tom Brady is on a bad wheel. One that everyone will aiming for because he’s banging a supermodel. And his backup is Eli Manning who was somehow available in the 13^th round. Sleeper Pick: Ray Rice will be the undisputed starter in Baltimore. Bonehead Pick: Why wait until the 13^th round when you get stuck with Eli Shitbag with his cadre of ineffective and worthless receivers? Prediction: Even with Brad drafting, this will suck.

The Dark Lords

Brett Slaton. The New York Jets of fantasy football drafting*. I must say I didn’t expect Aaron Rodgers to be the second quarterback taken and a first rounder. But strange shit happens. I was rather surprised to see Ben Roethlisberger go to the same team in the seventh round because there were about 8 comparable quarterbacks on the board. But they should be fine at receiver with Larry Fitzgerald and Wes Welker at receiver because they combined for 15 touchdowns. Too bad Fitzgerald had 12 of those. If they don’t work out, there’s always Donnie Avery (sort of hurt), Dallas Clark (tight end), Nate Washington (hurt) and Devery Henderson (ain’t done shit). Receiver is a strength on this team. Running back sure isn’t. Chris Wells is the starter in Arizona. After that you have Derrick Ward (Cadillac Williams’ backup and possibly Earnest Graham’s), Darren Sproles (LT’s backup), Ahmad Bradshaw (Brandon Jacobs’ backup), Chester Taylor (Adrian Peterson’s backup) and Justin Fargas (Darren McFadden’s backup). It’s obvious the Dark Lords gameplan. Hope for catastrophic injuries throughout the league. Sleeper Pick: I think Avery can be a stud. Bonehead Pick: Word was out before the draft that Ward going to be in a running back committee with two other guys so fourth round is much too high and quite possibly a product of mental derangement. Prediction: I am so pissed I only play them once.

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