Fantasy Football Draft Review

The Hellhounds

What a fucking travesty. What could possibly possess someone to throw this collection of crap together? Sure, Adrian Peterson seems like a good pick unless you look at his easily broken shoulders. I put his over/under at 9 starts. Speaking of injury waiting to happen, we get Steve Smith. Well, maybe a suspension instead. Then we get the next three picks. Two guys (Calvin Johnson and Kevin Smith) who are waiting for their first win since 2007 followed by Darren McFadden who would probably go winless except the Raiders might split with the Chiefs. Followed by Carson Palmer who plays for the Bengals and Santana Moss who is rumored to play for Washington. Why not draft some players who might actually sniff the playoffs? Well, here are a couple of players who might make the playoffs. Felix Jones (DAL) and Donald Brown (IND). If they do, they’ll have a great view from the bench. But don’t worry if Carson Palmer goes down (or sucks). The Hellhounds also have Matt Hasselbeck who should be fine if he wasn’t old, had a bad back and virtually no offensive line. Sleeper Pick: Kevin Walter occasionally catches a pass. Bonehead Pick: Michael Crabtree. Assuming he signs at some point during the season, there aren’t too many (or any) cases of a rookie receiver skipping all of training camp and preseason and suddenly becoming a fantasy stud when his quarterbacks are a guy who only had to beat out Alex Smith and Alex Smith. Prediction: Glad those Detroit players got used to losing last year.

The Sherman Tanks

What a great fucking draft. How can this team lose? Michael Turner had slightly fewer yards than Adrian Peterson, more touchdowns and better shoulders. All Brandon Jacobs does is score touchdowns and empty out buffets. Then there is Marshawn Lynch pick. The only knock against him (other than playing for the Bills) is he’s on suspension, but that’s only three games. Not a concern. And once the Jets figure out that Leon Washington averaged six yards a carry, that’ll be another productive back. And as soon as Darren McFadden gets hurt, Michael Bush will be an absolute stud. And at quarterback, we have Mr. Consistency Peyton Manning. The fantasy season will be over by the time he chokes in the playoffs. And he never misses a game so the only time his backup will be needed is the bye week when David Garrard will be facing the Rams. Easy win that week. And receiver is certainly a strength of this unit. Vincent Jackson and Anthony Gonzalez are primed for huge breakout seasons. Jackson averages something around 50 yards per reception and Gonzalez is the clear number 2 in Indy with the old fart who shoots people being gone. And then Bernard Berrian’s value received a boost when Brett Favre was signed. Not because Favre is that good anymore. He’ll just chuck it long a lot and Berrian is bound to catch a couple. And Hines Ward is the number four receiver but his stats last year weren’t much worse than Reggie Wayne’s. Sleeper Pick: Derrick Mason was a thousand yard receiver last year and is still the only competent one in Baltimore. Not bad for a 15^th round pick. Bonehead Pick: Not possible for this squad. Prediction: It’s not if they’ll win the league, it’s by how many games.

No Talent Ass Clowns

Did I miss where we changed to a point per reception league? Oh wait. I put in the scoring so no we did not change to a point per reception league. Did anyone tell John? That’s the only reason I can see to take two midgets in Maurice Jones-Drew and Brian Westbrook. Westbrook only had three 100 yard games which was still more than Jones-Drew. Neither had 1000 yards on the year. And adding receiving yardage doesn’t change much since they still had fewer combined yards than some guys just had rushing. I’m not buying the loss of Fred Taylor will suddenly propel him to the big time. Taylor didn’t do shit last year. And it’s not like Lendale White is going to help. His value was on the goal line and losing a lot of weight means he won’t have that line demolishing fatload to push him through. And Reggie Bush? There’s a lot of guys out there who can’t average four yards per carry in the NFL. That’s why they aren’t in the NFL. While the loss of Terrell Owens’ mouth means more quiet for Tony Romo, it also means no deep threat. And more pressure on Romo. How has he handled the pressure so far in his career? But don’t worry, the Clowns also have Brett Favre. By the time it’s apparent that they need to change to a new quarterback, Favre’s age will have led to his second half swoon and he’ll be mostly useless. But they did manage to grab Reggie Wayne in the third round. See above about him being only slightly better last year in fantasy scoring than Hines Ward who went in the 10^th round. Still, I’m sure he’ll be better than Dwayne Bowe who plays for the Chiefs. Or Brandon Marshall who will probably get traded. Or suspended. Or traded and then suspended. Lance Moore might be the best receiver on the team. Except he won’t. Sleeper Pick: Someone in Miami has to catch the ball. Why not Ted Ginn Jr? Bonehead Pick: Word out of Philly is that Jeremy Maclin is struggling to keep a job on special teams. Prediction: The only stat this trash pile will lead the league in is Games Missed By Injured Starters.

Spooner St. Sporks

When I look at this roster, my first thought is “vomit”. My next thought is what’s with the man-crush on Drew Brees? Is he really attractive enough to draft that high? And then backing him up with one hit wonder Matt Cassel. And his bad leg. This rushing attack won’t remind anyone of the old Nebraska offenses. Well, maybe a Nebraska pop warner league. Apparently, Amy missed Marion Barber’s splendidly mediocre season last year or she wouldn’t have drafted him so high. Or she might have anyway. No idea what she’s thinking. But I think Barber can get worse. I guess she thinks Pierre Thomas will replace Deuce McAllister for the Saints. Which part? Underwhelming or nagging injuries? Speaking of nagging injuries, I give you Willie Parker. There were reasons the Steelers had one of the worst rushing attacks. One was Willie Parker. I don’t want to say Willis McGahee is done as a fantasy running back. So, I’ll just say he sucks. Still the shitty running game has nothing on the shitty receiving corps. As long as he doesn’t curl up in a fetal position at the unfairness of life, Anquan Boldin should be semi-decent. So should Roy Williams. By that I mean he’ll have his worst year ever. Antonio Bryant had a good season last year. Makes you almost forget all the lousy seasons, the unsettled quarterback position, the loss of an offensive minded head coach in Tampa and the firing of the new offensive coordinator in the preseason. Forget that and he should be great. At least he’s not a tight end. Sleeper Pick: A lot of people expect great things from Jonathan Stewart. Bonehead Pick: Jonathan Stewart didn’t even play in the preseason and may drop to third string. Prediction: Two Saints in the top four? Still no prayer of finishing higher than 8^th.

They Might Be Dave

One year Dave may draft a decent team. Certainly isn’t this year. Matt Forte and his 3.9 ypc was certainly a great pick at number four. Until you realize he got worse as the season wore on. Unlike Frank Gore who has been getting worse as the years wear on. He’ll be running backwards soon. And while Clinton Portis might have been good last year, he’s 108 years old. And I’ve been told that he smells funny. Knowshon Moreno seems like an excellent pickup since he plays for Denver which likes to plug in a dominant back and use dirty blocking to rack up the yards. Oh wait, that was last year’s coach. This year’s is talking about running back by committee. At least Team Clusterfuck did get a good backup quarterback in Matt Schaub. Still trying to find which quarterback he took before Schaub. I know I’m missing one somewhere. Who would draft a starter who is going to miss at least five games? And back him up with Joe Flacco who was more likely to throw for fewer than 150 yards in a game than more than 200. The receiving corps is led by Greg Jennings who got his brain scrambled during preseason which probably makes him smarter than the guy who drafted him because that guy also drafted Terrell Owens and Braylon Edwards to go with Jennings. Owens thought Romo was a bad QB (and he was right). How is he going to get along with Trent Edwards? As for Braylon Edwards, I wouldn’t draft anyone in Cleveland. Or in Cincinnati so why take Laveranues Coles. Sleeper Pick: These all suck. Bonehead Pick: All of them but especially Domenik Hixon and Steve Smith of the Giants. I don’t expect Hixon to do much so taking a guy behind him too is really dumb. Prediction: This is the suckingest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Waived & Confused

I don’t care what that trophy said. I still can’t believe Jon actually won the league once. Were the rest of us (not counting Brett) disqualified or something? Making your first pick Randy Moss who is relying on a quarterback coming back from major offseason surgery? And then drafting LaDanian Tomlinson who is on a precipitous decline? Followed by Ryan Grant who is nothing special? Followed by Ochosucko at all? Hell, this dumbdick team has three Bengals on it with Chris Henry and Cedric Benson to go with him. Considering the fact that they also drafted Larry Johnson, it’s obvious that Waived & Confused is not concerned about character issues. In fact, he relishes poor character players which reinforces my belief that Jon has no soul. Oh wait. That was someone else. Nevermind. Actually, I wouldn’t have taken Larry Johnson because KC wants to change to a spread offense which doesn’t suit him. Oh, and he’s on the decline and the whole team sucks anyway. Which means drafting Johnson’s backup was just as stupid. But, he does have Jerricho (misspelled) Cotchery and Steve Breaston who both have slightly dirty sounding names which make me giggle when I’m drunk which is quite often. But I guess getting both Matt Ryan and Jay Cutler at quarterback is a plus if by plus you mean having two quarterbacks on run first/run often teams. Sleeper Pick: Still, Cutler could be the best number two quarterback in the league. Bonehead Pick: There was a lot of speculation that Jamal Lewis might get cut at the end of training camp. Why? Because he sucks. Prediction: That title will never ever come back to Waived & Confused. Why? Because they suck.

Los Bastardos

After a one year hiatus when Steven Jackson played for the Tanks, he’s back with Los Bastardos. I think I speak for everyone when I say “Good, I’m glad you took him because he’s running for a shit team and will be hurt all the time”. But Jackson wasn’t the first pick for them. Instead they took Chris Johnson who is really fast. And pretty small. And off the field when the Titans get near the goal line. Kind of like number three pick Marques Colston who had a bad thumb last year. That shouldn’t affect a receiver should it? By the way, Philip Rivers is a douchebag. I just think it needs to be said. Good to have those two running backs because after that is Joseph Addai who could easily lose his starting job (due to not being very good) and Earnest Graham who in his defense is easily the third best running back on a crappy Tampa offense. And drafting Rashard Jennings did answer the question “who is one of Maurice Jones-Drew’s never going to be used backups?” Ironically, the fourth receiver taken by Los Bastardos is the only one on the roster besides Colston who is listed as a team’s number 1 receiver. Of course that’s Devin Hester who would be an awesome receiver if he could catch a ball that wasn’t kicked first. Eddie Royal and Lee Evans are number two receivers with shitty quarterbacks Kyle Orton and Trent Edwards. Hey, Los Bastardos also drafted Kyle Orton. The stench of this team keeps getting worse and worse. Sleeper Pick: Kenneth Darby is a good pickup for when Jackson goes down. Bonehead Pick: Darby will be running behind a shitty O-line in St. Louis which is probably why Jackson got hurt. Prediction: This team will only be competitive for the first four weeks. That’s not true. I’m just being nice. This team isn’t that good.

Mooseknuckles

Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Of course, Ben has to be lucky because he sucks at drafting. Still, when you ignore DeAngelo Williams to take Steve Slaton who was behind Williams in every statistical category, you shouldn’t be lucky enough to get Williams on the trip back. It must be luck. I assume any witchcraft was used up when Ben got married. And drafting Roddy White in the third round and Kurt Warner in the fourth must be luck. Bad luck. White doesn’t catch very many touchdown passes for a third round pick and was probably named after Roddy Piper which really has nothing to do with fantasy football or Ben’s inept drafting. And I think the preseason has shown the Super Bowl loss hangover is having no affect on Arizona. Except making the offense look like crap. And is Ben unaware that it’s not 1999 and Warner and Torry Holt don’t play together anymore? Seeing Holt in the preseason, I’m not sure he’s going to be playing much this year at all. Taking him is almost as dumb as drafting Trent Edwards when you have Warner and Donovan McNabb. Hmmmmmmmmmm. This is an old fucking team. In addition to Warner, McNabb and Holt, there’s also Ricky Williams, Donald Driver and Thomas Jones. These guys were playing in the last century. Where is the young talent? I see Tim Hightower and Michael Jenkins, but that’s just young not talented. Now, Hightower was a featured back for Arizona last year. A position he was ill-suited for and did poorly. The problem with Jenkins? He plays the same position on the same team as Roddy White. Which is the Atlanta Falcons which isn’t known for its high powered passing attack. Is the plan to play them together? God, I hope it’s the week I face them. Sleeper Pick: Fred Jackson will be pretty good for three weeks when Marshawn Lynch is suspended. Bonehead Pick: Did I mention drafting Trent Edwards when you have Kurt Warner and Donovan McNabb? Do we have a practice squad? Prediction: Might be in trouble if Trent Edwards has to start. Fuck that. This team will stink no matter who starts.

Meat Curtains

I was unhappy to see Brad doing most of the picks in place of Matt this year. I like having that bye week when playing Matt. I have to assume that Brad’s picks might be slightly better. And I’m offended that Matt left to draft in a higher pay-in league. Why can’t he just put that money into our prize fund? It’s not like he’s going to get any back in either league. So how did Brad draft? Can’t tell the difference. He stole the John McClain strategy of wide receivers early and often with Andre Johnson, TJ Houshwhatever and DeSean Jackson going 1, 3, and 5. Johnson might be a good pick. Houshwhatever………..hm…….um…….er…..makes a lot of money. And he’s so good that the Bengals decided they could do without. But at least he’s smarter than DeSean “Fumble Spike” Jackson. Not saying much. So is my end table. I think it’s called an end table. It’s next the couch and has old porno mags in it. And then he added Jason Witten, Chris Chambers and Muhsin Muhammad. None of whom I have a bad thing to say about except they all suck. Just like the running backs. They don’t really suck, but when Ronnie Brown is your number one back, you’re hurting. Just like his knees. But we got some quantity here with Ray Rice, Julius Jones and LeSean McCoy going in rounds 6-8. I’m glad someone drafted Jones so I could be reminded that he’s still in the league. Maybe someone should remind Jones that he’s still in the league after the past couple of years. Better hope one of those running backs steps up because Tom Brady is on a bad wheel. One that everyone will aiming for because he’s banging a supermodel. And his backup is Eli Manning who was somehow available in the 13^th round. Sleeper Pick: Ray Rice will be the undisputed starter in Baltimore. Bonehead Pick: Why wait until the 13^th round when you get stuck with Eli Shitbag with his cadre of ineffective and worthless receivers? Prediction: Even with Brad drafting, this will suck.

The Dark Lords

Brett Slaton. The New York Jets of fantasy football drafting*. I must say I didn’t expect Aaron Rodgers to be the second quarterback taken and a first rounder. But strange shit happens. I was rather surprised to see Ben Roethlisberger go to the same team in the seventh round because there were about 8 comparable quarterbacks on the board. But they should be fine at receiver with Larry Fitzgerald and Wes Welker at receiver because they combined for 15 touchdowns. Too bad Fitzgerald had 12 of those. If they don’t work out, there’s always Donnie Avery (sort of hurt), Dallas Clark (tight end), Nate Washington (hurt) and Devery Henderson (ain’t done shit). Receiver is a strength on this team. Running back sure isn’t. Chris Wells is the starter in Arizona. After that you have Derrick Ward (Cadillac Williams’ backup and possibly Earnest Graham’s), Darren Sproles (LT’s backup), Ahmad Bradshaw (Brandon Jacobs’ backup), Chester Taylor (Adrian Peterson’s backup) and Justin Fargas (Darren McFadden’s backup). It’s obvious the Dark Lords gameplan. Hope for catastrophic injuries throughout the league. Sleeper Pick: I think Avery can be a stud. Bonehead Pick: Word was out before the draft that Ward going to be in a running back committee with two other guys so fourth round is much too high and quite possibly a product of mental derangement. Prediction: I am so pissed I only play them once.

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